A Conversation with Pasquino

Reproduced here, dear reader, is a conversation I had the other day with a longtime resident of Rome, Pasquino. While I conversed with him for awhile, I did not tape-record our conversation nor did I take copious notes–as that would have been rude. Since I did speak candidly and at length with him, however, on a great number of subjects and because he has seen much since being in Rome, I immediately after our conversation went to a small bar, ordered a grande Perroni, and reduced to writing what might be a significant and eye-opening conversation to Romans and non-Romans (or it might simply be entertaining to me).

Friday, 14.VI.2013

Pasquino (P):  Salve.

Myself (J): [surprised]  Ave! Esne fatigatus vel…um…er…vel…

P:  Just speak in English.

J:  Your English is impeccable.

P:  I know. Anyway, yes. I am tired. You would be too if you were standing here all these centuries!

J:  Well, why are you standing there?

P:  Because it’s out of the way, I can survey what’s going on and I can throw stones from here.

J:  Rather ironic don’t you think? A stone throwing stones?

P:  Hmmm…a joker huh? Well, if you must know, it was my sculptor, Petrophilus, who was the first one to utter the words ‘now breathe’ when he made me. Michelangelo wasn’t all that bright, nor was he very original. The difference between him and dear old Petrophilus was that I did breath and Moses–as far as I know–is still rather cold and distant.

J:  Hahahaha…whose the joker now!? I’ve heard you’ve made a living of this type of “throwing stones!”

P:  Yes, well I am known for that–mostly in Latin or Italian, though. I do very much enjoy it especially as I aim them at people who deserve it.

J:  Cool! What about Vittorio Emmanuel II, Cavour, and Garibaldi? They are the objects of my opprobrium during this trip. Probably because they took away the Pope’s ability to not only have the land that is rightfully his, but to experience not only people bugging him about heresy but about everyday demands like good drinking water, lower taxes, and better roads. Pio Nono was a hero and those guys took this city and the papal states away from him. I’m still ticked about 1870.

P:  Yes. Papa Pio was a great man, some of the other popes–and their families–are those upon whom I piled on some of my best. Do you remember Olimpia? Olimpia Maidalchini-Pamphili?

J:  The crazy woman who effectively ran much of the pontificate of Pope Innocent X? The one who locked him in his room as he was on his deathbed–barring everyone else from accessing it, because if they found him dead they would come after her–and then running all the way back to her place to ensure that no one torched it?

P:  You get the gist of it. Her name is no accident: “Olim”- “pia!”  I had many lampoons on her. You’re a Latinist…you know what that means! Hahahahaha. It was all too easy. I laugh just thinking about it now!

J:  Hahahaha. Women in politics are easy to lampoon–we have Hillary Clinton and generally any woman in the United States Congress after 1970. What about other members of the ruling class? They would seem to be the perfect objects of your lampoons.

P:  Do you mean all politicians, newspaper men, industrialists and philanthropists? Of course!

J:  Don’t forget–on the ecclesiastical side–vicars general, vicars forane, cufflink-wearing priests, wives of permanent deacons, fat women in stretch-pants…

P:  [interrupting] Who are, no doubt, DREs, Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and having anything to do with the much abused term “hospitality.”

J:  Yes! Nuns of the floral-dress and Teva-wearing variety, guitar heroes at Mass…

P:  [interrupting again] As a Catholic you should have more charity! I am a pagan, I need not be so concerned. I’ll add a few others, though:  people who actually like dining with bishops and cardinals, Hans Kung, Martin Luther, John Calvin, and Patty Crowley. Turning to another group, don’t forget proprietors of art studios, restauranteurs who serve two peas and a leaf on a plate with four drops of balsamic vinegar–and call it a meal, yuppies, ecologists who fly private jets, Marxists, teetotalers, population control advocates, international bankers, hedge fund managers and the guy working the Gelateria “Al Conosseo” on Via Cavour.

J:  Ha! What about utilitarians, pragmatists, relativists, and materialists? Platonists are less despicable, but they should make the list.

P:  Planned Parenthood, abortionists, Rothko, Picasso, Serrano…

J:  [interrupting]  Now I’m tired. I think I should be going, it’s hot and I need a beer. Well, I’m truly glad to have made your acquaintance, finally. I hope we can do this again sometime. The fact that you’ve seen it all, gives your perspective great pause for consideration. Ciao!

P:  …music that sounds like bending steel, Hannibal, the Borgias, Catiline, militant homosexuals who always think its dress up time, the UN….

I was certain that he didn’t hear me. As I walked away, I could hear him still: “…old ladies who criticize large families, city council members, zoning commissions….”  I suppose he was on a roll. I then recalled the words of Belloc in a similar context:  “I know, of course, that statues certainly can speak, and do so on occasion, yet those occasions are exceedingly rare.”  Which is why I needed to reduce this conversation to writing immediately.

This article, A Conversation with Pasquino is a post from The Bellarmine Forum.
https://bellarmineforum.org/a-conversation-with-pasquino/
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